Never ending scrolling

I'm writing this as I really think I need to...

how I've felt for the past week and overall the past 10 months...(guesstimate)

So earlier this week.. yep.. really bad on the suicide ideation... no real reason.. this makes it 2 episodes like this since this year...

Overall feeling....

I just want to die... I feel like my job is a sham on some aspects... I'm tired of working... I over think about work... about how I do my job... I reach out for more work when I can...

I just get these unrelenting thoughts about getting laid off or fired... but then again it's the career of a contractor... I'm mid 40's.. out of shape.. over weight.. my situation calls for me to be on meds.. I hate being on meds... I'm glad i'm on meds... or it would be worse... I hate having to medicate with cannabis to get some balance and respite from the never ending influx of thoughts that aren't productive. Anxiety... the levels of anxiety that I'm not used to...

I feel like I'm barely keeping it together on a daily basis... this week being really bad. Reading up on high functioning depression, etc...

I don't know what's worse... being in a daily situation where you accomplish the minimum that you feel comfortable with or where you can't function what so ever?

I have no desires to do anything in a hobby sort of way short of D&D... which is weird.. I feel obligated in some ways... but then again it's probably the only thing I enjoy... it has taken up a good portion of any and all time... even during work. Yeah for working at home... and having the job that lets me "work".

The farm idea.. any constructive thing that I may have wanted to do.. I've more or less stopped cooking..

Don't leave the house really... I have no desire to go out for the most part.. some times I do.. but overall.. I've been on the verge of crying more this past week... been a loooooong time, since feeling like this..

I hate it... I hate feeling like this.. this up down..up down.. and now it's just really down at the moment..