Naught Socrates

A wise man once said... No se.

That is, I don't know.

Now while that may be true for me and this is what I have to say regarding my view through this mortal coil.

I was trying to read, but I'm finding that my mind is constantly wandering. Mostly in efforts to not get worse. Now regarding what I do or do not know... That will be called out.

For instance, I have no college degree. I have CHSPE, which says it's equal to a HS diploma.

I do have a curious mind, to what degree. Who knows.

I find myself trapesing through a daily fog of melancholy and nostalgia that I try to avoid. The overwhelming brightness of the future, where you barely have time to react.

Death... The thought of no longer being, sits patiently most days. Some times the taunting is unbearable. The days when it's just a whisper... But usually death just sits... Waiting.

It's the last dance, the last breath, the last thought, the last...

Could I? I don't know... Is change possible? I never find contentment in most things... Learning being the odd duck. Food has become a problem.. or my lack of movement.

Most days I feel like crying as of late. I feel sad... And this overwhelming feeling like I wasted my time...

Tbc..

Post Punk

When I dream... you dream about me...


I can't look at my past any more.... It takes all that I have to not crumble into a heap...a sobbing heap.

I don't know how to explain where I am at... except that I do all that I can to avoid the past. I can't handle it.. and in fact I am having a difficult time in general.

46 this year... I find myself doing everything I can to just to get through the day...

coming across old songs.. really sets me off.. I try to avoid all music from back then...

then again I am 3 beers and XX bowls in...

why am i so afraid...

Altered States changing minds

Sometimes it feels like I comprehend things more fully... I'm not sure if it's just an age related knowledge accumulation and experiences. or it's just being stoned.

Is there a path in knowledge that leads somewhere... or is it like all paths... neverending.

Is the destination the objective? Is there one? Does there need to be one?

My anxiety drives my actions to an extent...  a life in the day..


Wake up, anxiety good morning.

Seriously contemplate any way of not getting out of bed to go to work.

Hit snooze on alarm. Was this a day it worked? How many snoozes do I have left?

Make miserable attempts at avoiding the inevitable... work from home or DRIVE IN.


6 AM - looks like home again. That's the anxiety mixed with taking full advantage of work from home option as I can. So I don't have to drive to work and deal with being in the office. Continue to be that "odd" "quiet" person whenever I am in. Or is that my anxiety thinking of how I think people view me. I avoid people as much as possible. I avoid them like the plague.. that's a bit hyperbolic. I'm testing the waters at trying to find people to attempt some sort of friendship. Sadly I'm a snobby judgemental bastard... again is that how I think people view me, I think that's really me. Though I do volunteer work, some times... donate blood, some time.... I'm at a low point for confidence... had it 3 years ago... before moving to NC... many times I sigh when waking up... here we go again. Thinking I wouldn't mind not waking up.

Shit, half the time is shitting. other half internet. Brush teeth, something sorely neglected. Shower...
Is it monday = shave, not monday = no shave. Get dressed, wear same top shirt all week long. ?? On last time pants were washed, ordered new ones. Still haven't washed old pants.

Shortly before 8AM - log on... work and fun. work is more of the daily repetition... it's always the same.. whenever I open my eyes... the pattern varies every few days but it's still the same...
The log on for fun is the same...
the same sites are visited that have been visited for over 5 years...
then again I find some new ones every now and again...
WORK... what is needed today... no meetings... ok.. fairly easy no talking to people... expected.
Day of the week... what is due.. tomorrow? Next week? Am I missing anything. I have 5 hours to kill... how do we as society endure this.. this 21st century idea of work? The idea of freedom? There are so many things that just need the right people.... and enact the right laws.... and make all engaged.

Work is repetitive.. same reports.. every day... every week... every month... Meetings are repetitive... jump through the hoops.. how dare you raise that question. back to the beginning with you.

AD&D

The past year has been a bit of a haze, and not a good one. I continue down this road of self reflection, growth and discovery. Or so I hope, it doesn't always seem to a very direct route.


I may have stumbled on to something, something that I never really thought about. Mostly because it didn't seem like I'd enjoy it. Then again I'm fairly slow to things.

We'll see.. on another note. Naughtsocrates.com