Where to begin,,,

so we've talked... sort of.. it's been communicated that we should split..

this is not easy on any level...

And the chemically induced state talks yet again....

4 beers later... not a fan of the urquell


I come home convinced (self inflicted most likely) that my course is the way.. but just as Charon demands a fare... so does my life.

I would be dumb to say that I have not been affected by this,...

I have spent weeks arguing against myself...

but it comes back to the desire.. as selfish as it seems.. to live my life on my terms... and at this point I want to be alone.. this is a small world after all. Would be a shame to miss it...


I thought the reminiscence of  family would cure it.. but it doesn't...

I must see this world that I live in.... with my own eyes...



46 yr old me comment - I'm actually looking at maybe a ray of light.... we'll see.

And just like that it changed...

A little smile is all it took.. and those big brown eyes..

Oh Kiara...

You're gonna drive your momma crazy...

And yet again...

I continue to struggle with this...

stay married or go do my own thing and live my own life on my terms..

I want to travel for a bit.. then maybe go to school in Europe for a while...

or stay married and wonder...



Married over 20+ years.. the youngest just turned 18.. just graduated high school.

We are in the midst of a move out of state to "start our lives over"... like life.. it's complicated.. We have a number of business ideas we are floating and it was to be a big move so we could pretty much start things over how we want it. The cost of living in (U.S.A. - particular expensive state) and not being able to afford it any more, plus the fact we have been talking about moving out of state since forever.

I was all for this till about a week ago... it was when I was being scolded by her again.... she accused me of leaving her high and dry or something to that affect.

Aside from the obvious that she has thought about some fucked up scenario.. I actually hadn't till then.

Unlike the other times when it would have been first on my mind.. never acted on it.. but it was there.

Now.. I can't get the idea.. the prospect of being alone... I know I'm trying to logic my way through it... and I know that that is a fallacy in and of itself...

but what about because it's what I want to do with my life... I have only one.

I'd tried to reason it away... but it pops back up...

A life unexamined is not worth living...

The Call Of the Wild... (London)

Hemingway...



The history of life isn't made by sitting around....--Me

Its been a few months

So I have been thinking... Mostly about whether or not I should end the marriage.

There have been a number of the things over that past year. Most importantly her inability to deal with change.

It's not that I don't love her.. I just feel that with this one life that I have... I don't want to be married any more.. or be with any one for that matter.. I want to live life for me.

To come and go as I please. And that is not a option at the moment.

The fact that I'm writing this four beers in at the bar with Pam.. says a bit.

My stomach has been acting up lately and I'm going to equate it to this.

It's not that I'm not aware.. I am.. and then some.

A life unexamined is not worth living....

Aristotle

And here's where we enter the twist,,,,

yeah... not feeling very confident in the loan request,,,,

Thinking this is what changes the whole thing...