deficiencies

 https://web.archive.org/web/20221125180153/https://ktla.com/news/nexstar-media-wire/nationworld/my-god-forgive-me-for-what-im-going-to-do-chesapeake-walmart-gunmans-alleged-manifesto-released/

 

sweetleaf

Inspired by BS...

Singing along and then contemplating the totality of reality in light of Nietzsche comment about religion being the opiate of the masses... It's not religion but the celebration of ignorance versus emotions... We are an emotionally driven species on top of the biological physiological genetic evolutionary caveats attached... 

not just a parasite

Reasons behind why would want to create...

Creating to change the feeling of monotony... The ever same/changing patterns through the years... Old is new again..

Listening to new music that is completely in the vein of my music preference... This first album from Just Mustard... Daaaaammmnnnnnn...  So good.. full album worth listening to.

Wednesday is the album...

https://justmustard.bandcamp.com/album/wednesday

assessment

Do I need to step on the gas? I feel like I'm needing to be moving more forward or whatever direction it appears to be most positive for me.. as long as it's towards a positive direction... Retrain... That was in my mind the other day... Im feeling complacent?? Stagnant?? But I have to say that I've done a pretty good job of getting things done.... For my crappy standards..

I need to work on this creative aspects now... I'm not so certain as to where I'm going... But Im moving towards art .. there are certain things I'm beginning to discover that have my attention...

Revisit in some ways...

things we take as certainty

Emotions.. feelings about things or others

To what degrees and how does one know?

So I'm going through in my head who I have to get Xmas gifts for... And who already has stuff.. and I was thinking if the pots n pans for P. Told it wod be an early Xmas gifts..

As I was thinking about these things I stopped again to ponder in where I am with her.. how do I feel about P?

I get this stinking suspicion that I do have some very deep feelings for her... But over time I started to resent her for various reasons, situations, 20+ yr history we grew apart... She was going through the motions... I was a bastard to her. 

I knew that it was done...

I worry for her. Mostly from what I consciously attribute to her stroke... She's bad at confronting reality about herself. 

I don't think it's P.. but I would love to love again.. but something that I can fall into... Something like that requires work and commitment... Something that I don't think now is the time... But fuck being alone atm... I'm really longing for some companionship... Cuddling.. 

just a little dancing

Was just what I needed...

I'd like to go more often if I could... Until I grew bored of it...

Clubs were always for me to dance.. not really socialize...

sad

It's really fucking difficult to work your way out of sad when those around you are barely holding on and you yourself are in no real position to help...

Let alone confront the reality's of others.

I don't have time to day..  I have to slave away for another to meagerly provide for what I have... Oh drama queen..

I don't want to feed this malignant stray anymore..

The always trying to avoid feeling on my daily stroll to only be waylaid on the path by an innocuous thought that comes ambling by. To wrestle it free, to run from it as if a flood we're fast approaching and you find yourself in a valley or culvert of your own making.

This paramount feeling of existence... Pain

new format

https://recorder.google.com/share/a6703d52-0bf8-4162-b4c1-c6c7014af176

What!! No share link in app??!!!!

your cats dead

I remember when I was 8 or 9 and having to tell my neighbor her cat died.

Why would older people.. well I guess my brother.. have me notify someone that their cat died..

I'm off today.. feeling a bit wonky ...

A little sad... Disgruntled... Tired... Over shit.. though am I making it more than it needs to be...

I .... Drama queen?

Depressed?

Tired n grumpy... I was wondering what happened to the mom and those girls who lived next door... 

Now I want to cry and so don't know why...

Sometimes I feel the long shadow of the end... The futility of it all... I question.. wonder.. why.. 

My brain is full of rocks with an occasional tide coming in and again..