ocala

Humanity is a bitch...

Living is a bitch...

Trying to decide whether or not to go on is a bitch...

Why is there this drive to live?

Why does evolution wire live ng creatures with the flight/fuck/flee motivations... The survival bullshit... The bullshit that fucks one another over...

I hate that I'm writing this... I hate existence... The pain.. the bittersweetness that is reality. I'm a spoiled bitch..

musical triggers a retro

My dad rock vol mix playlist... Judas Priest.. Turbo

Junior high Serrano... I was split between punk and metal at this point and Judas Priest was huge... Still is..

Her name was Dana and she lived in the apartments down the street ... Lake Forest & Toledo.. I was interested in as much as she was.. but for some reason I equate this song with her.. though nothing ever amounted to anything.. she was more.. middle man friend than anything.. again.. Jr high..

Christy Griffin... Now she was the metal hottie I was interested in.. fuck nostalgia.

fuck this antibiotic

I want not start crying as I'm afraid I won't be able to cease...

Cease.. stop.. alto... No se..

The thing is about this verge of tears moment... It just causes memories of everything to come creeping in... Teen years... Missy.. the past.. those being affected by reality today. Who's pain is the same... It's pain.. a pain you do not want to feel.

There seems to be an issue with this 

Now that said.. personal physical violations, mental trauma, sexual trauma, trauma that robs one of experiences... Thos not in developed countries... The poorest of the poor... They seem to be free more so than those of the developed countries... I'm enslaved to my environment, it's modern convienences..

A brain in a vat...

 So what is something I could write that would be illuminating to whomever reads this...

Google brain in a vat... Renee Decartes.. Western Philosophy.. Eastern Philosophy... Aboriginal Philosophy... Native Philosophy... now that last one is probably a bit vague..

The Native American philosophy... Now the thing is.. I don't buy all of it.. I take bits and pieces of what other's have provided.. I learn and ADAPT!

or so I like to think.. If evolutionary philosophy... that is.. this idea of evolutionary ebb and flow over time... there is nothing new under the sun.. you know.. I can't keep a solid thought straight at the moment.. I'm really thinking about the philosophy entwined within the tv show Westworld... especially the concept of not being able to understand something or to mentally block it out.. looks like nothing to me...

We can only accept what we are accustomed to.. or so I've read.. Something about Science and witchcraft depending on your relativeness to time & space.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clarke%27s_three_laws

I'm avoiding the shadow in the corner at the moment.. He called and left a message. but I in turn didn't need to reply because it was just the forewarning call.. the call that says hey things are looking better.. but are they.. lately I've been seeing the shadow out of the the corner of my eye more these days.. sometimes I see it on the news, well actually I see it on the news all the time.. it's become so prevalent... I hear it talking to the cat in the house and her calls in response... i feel bitter about this.. as the cat in question is not mine to care for and the friends of the shadow are sure to remind of the predicament. 

but I know i'll have to the mark soon to be left from the shadow...

not sure I like replacing death with a shadow.. but I can understand how the terms or even superstitions come about...  and i'm still a grade A moron..

lonely

I'm not sure one way or the other how what degree of loneliness I'm at. I know there's some.. probably more than I'm aware of. Yet that wall goes up.. that immediate mental blockade of I'm not going to tempt the idea of being in a relationship with someone else. Let alone having to wade through that pool... Shudder..

The truth will end it...

 So I'm talking out my ass here....

Regarding the current search warrant mar a lago shit... being investigated on the espionage act.

The pursuit to prosecute will throw us over the edge... already seeing the tale tell shit of  boiling over for years...

really rough day

Holy shit this is a bad one...

I really need to get out of my head ATM .. but that not happening..

rough day

Everything in my head is going apeshit at the moment...

I feel like I'm having a panic attack... Feeling very overwhelmed and overdone... And I know it's all in my head... But here we are.

I think I know why my mom never held a job down that brought the slightest challenge... Because fuck this anxiety panic attack moment not really being helped by the weed or not... Fuck... I really feel like it's allllllllllllllllllllllll fucking pointless...

Meds???

it's almost finished

An actual project... Almost done... Seriously... Wtf..  I got here.

I'm exctatitc and this day exhausted... Rode 12+ miles yesterday... Almost finished with the bike rack... Sushi dinner... And I need ointment on my elbow before going out..

Fuck old... In the deteriorated parts... The wisdom/knowledge aspect rocks!!!

What is this called???

 So I'm thinking about how long it took me to learn how to cook. Fuck.. in fact it's twenty years + of my current go to trade of IT P C.. I'm now starting to get it... but it took a long time to get here and a lot of apparently effort on my part... which I'm really coming to begin to understand that existence on Earth is fucking lonely.. even in a crowd.. especially there. It's been since before we left from NC since I've had sex... and I'm kinda not really but I do.. but fuck trying figure that whole shit out... yeah.. I'm too busy at the moment.. but I still want to socialize.. but fuck living on this side of the valley... deadsville..

So the idea was how one can extrapolate other topics not necessarily directly related... using metaphors.. is that it.. metaphorical speech.. see complete moron i am...

LB

My initials are now LB

Little Bitch

Because I whine like one .. seriously stressed myself out there for a hot sec re j o b

But still not out of the woods...

day 2

Btw trying to quit weed

Woke up and my negative thoughts about EVERYTHING popped up... Where I live... My situation with fam and there situation.. my leg.. and just fucking miserable... Fuck it's difficult to want to move past this.. I want to sit here and dwell on all the shit...

Oh... So all the celebrity deaths over the weekend... Fuck the past year, as been a bit of an alarm for me... So many faces I grew up on.. my own mortality is being brought into question..

I'm feeling overwhelmed... But why.. why am I reacting to things ... A. Outside me control.. B. It has nothing to do with me.

Why the fuck do outside forces have such an impact?

Why the fuck am I wired as such... And while I'm awake at the moment I'm anything from being coherent.. my brain feels like jello... But again..

 day 2..

I have things to do.. projects.. objectives?

Meh... I have this ambivalent attitude at the moments. I'm working on them and that's one of the things I've been having to re train myself on.. setting expectations.. time-frames.. doing away with constraints.. things that are unrealistic and further erode at what I want to build... I need a notcher... Currently also occupying my grey matter synapse space atm.. how to build shit...

I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at times.. now being one... Definitely felt like I'd rather be dead lately... Not offing myself.. but won't go out of the way to stop it..

My inner self and patience... Being in the moment.. now.. stop with everything outside of myself... But how when it's the outside assailing me??? Or??

Knowing, not knowing..

Feeling stressed and no REAL LEGITIMATE reason for it... Want to not exist anymore... No likey...