Math, English, Music.... Oh my!

 So I've more or less started college, officially officially this time. I'm now just actually thinking about this,and here I was just going to write my intro , but here I am having a self reflecting moment in the process. A fairly emotional one at that.  Exhale.

I absolutely do not want to have a WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE moment at 50. I've been pushing myself ever so gently over the years, ever so gently towards an understanding (and I use that word loosely) of who I am and the the world around me. I found that it's never to late to "finally figure it out" and still make cringe worthy moments, some intentional but still have the gumption to take yourself serious and not serious at the same time. Failure has been my greatest teacher to this point, and it's help create  a drive that I did not have in my youth, yet it been tempered with years and experience. 

 Now that I look back it is with an intensity that I honestly never knew was possible. English has been something I've needed to improve upon for quite some time, because how else will I know how to possibly teach it in the future?!?!

and that's a fail...

But I don't really care. The proverbial ball is rolling and I'm not that much of in a hurry to get my M1.. not bike, but I'll get it here in the next week or so. 

I figured I didn't really study whatsoever but took it anyway.. oh well I knew I needed to study and I hadn't and know I now what to look for.. I think. 🤔 ❓ ⁉️

The end is near....

 

This makes me emotional, that after all this time it'll end soonish. Probably one of the greatest stories in it's form. 

Fucking love this story and and handful of other manga/anime....

Thank you Corona

 Depeche Mode - Get Balance Right..

Now I feel Like it's 1986.... Soma Underground 80's

I was going to right about something.. oh.. so I had a quart of beer.. Corona Familiar to be precise.. took.. It's almost predictable.. Get the balance right... 

I need that cry.. when though.. my schedule is getting packed!! lol.. 

I'm smiling again.. and that's why I want to cry.. oh no.. no Nik Kershaw... Bowie.. Modern Love... Playing pool with my bro n pop at the Westminster Billiards near the In n Out..

Still want to cry.. why is the past mostly tears.. the past past.. why I hate how I'm only thinking of myself... or it seems like that.. I want to get to a point that I can help others... 

Why do I feel like there is this person wanting to get out.. but I don't know what to do.. or who they are... because I am scared.. and I am confused.. because I don't know.. I'm so scared of many things about this but primarily being caught up in a false belief. Religion scarred me and I am leary of ALL groups... hell I almost went full bore into atheism, but after getting into philosophy I learned more or less how to spot bullshit and just avoid it. I don't shut things out completely. Though I do passively vet things as I see them based on general logic principals. Minimize bullshit... but have fun.

happy again

 Scares the fuck outta me.. enjoying while it lasts. So.. calm.. center.. focus... That's where I go bonkers is when I lose this...

weird music

 Jeka - Port Royal 

So there are so far that I've heard since.. Bauhaus.. Party of the First Part ( it's from the devil and Daniel mouse- a cover!), the Glove... Relax (some Japanese show??- search inconclusive, too little data), and I want to say a whole bunch of other examples just I can't think of any aside from these two.. and well this newer one.

For some weird reason I really gravitate towards these types of songs...

so i did recollect.. the other songs that do what is more called sampling.. Goth/Industrial/Techno/HipHop/Rap/ETC!

though I think these first three play more than a sample as its a specific segment of video/filmed media + music/song, where the music/song is played and the filmed portion is playing at the same time. I get the feeling theres a better word for this but no comprende at the moment.

you know those scenes in movies..

 Where for whatever reason a person's emotional moment triggers a flashback, still images in quick succession. Which only amplify the moment.

So my thought was.. as this song was being played..

Archers Of Loaf - White Trash Heroes

No emotional connection aside from the moment. I began to think what is it about me where I've been able to feel on a level that I honestly never thought possible. It honestly feels selfish to a bit... But I feel it helps me progress in a positive mental attitude towards self improvement. And the methods I use I struggle against, I do not wish to be fettered by the chemical depencies though it provides numerous benefits, aside from anxiety management.

I was wondering why my brain fired off those specific images... And judging by the emotional reaction it was 4 specific previous relationships. The emotional pain was that around the ending of a relationship. It's very difficult to write without my eyes blurring my vision..why am I affected this way and now?

Player One: The Game of Life

 So I'm fairly stoned and fairly emotional at the moment. So emotional that I'm trying to fight back tears as I write this and conversely wanting the sweet sweet release of the tears and the stress. I feel you, little sore inside my mouth trying to wonder why the hell you popped up in the first place. I have an idea but I have another idea on that one, and so on. I shouldn't be stressed about the first thing, my lack of work is a bit of a stressor and I am aware of it but I more or less brushed it off when I maybe should not have. That or something else. MAYBE, it's my systems getting back into the rat race so to speak, I did just come off an almost 2 year "sabbatical". At which point I had managed to reach an almost zen like state. I look for balance, I can find it ut I also think I was plateauing, so now with school on the horizon I may be getting a bit anxious with that as well, but I digress.

I was thinking how there are many similarities to life and video games. I am not the only one, just google that. As to where I get there, I am a bit of a narcissist and self centered and an ego centrist, but I think those all say the same. I'm under the impression that we all have to be a bit if we are to be of any service to others, not in a mean way but in an encouraging way (I'm about to smack myself, as this is something that I would not have stated or been convicted of in the past). This also assumes you think your duties and abilities lie in the goal of helping others and not just in word. Hmm.. I come back to this thought that I have and how I view the world and how this is tied to video games.

It's Dangerous Out There...

If you view your life, your world, as a sort of RPG video game like say Zelda or Suikoden or FF or hell even just the good ol tabletop pen/paper/dice RPGs that started it all. Dungeons & Dragons (AD&D for the OG's or Blackmoor if you prefer). I've come to this realization that unless I interact with you you are a non interactive NPC. I'm not sure if I should have an issue with this or not as I sort of feel a conflict on if I should to begin with. A) I should they are a person regardless if I interact with or not. B) It's not that I don't recognize them as a person it's just because that I have no interaction with them I give them the basic courtesy (what is basic courtesy? *damn it!), what more do i need to provide beyond that?

Overall, I generally plug in my headphones when I venture outside the house. Nine times out of ten I usually don't have an encounter with anyone of "consequence" outside my destinations. When I say "9 times outta 10" I'm making a guesstimate, an informal guess/estimate based on my overall all said encounters, that said it's not scientific in the least. Just a place to start.

Meeting people is difficult, especially with Covid and the social activities that were present pre-Covid are not really there at the moment. I do want to go back to that museum however... Saturday?

Forewarned is forearmed

What is needed for this adventure?

TBD

*Just thinking there's something else I want to look into, read up on - wikipedia, etc.