Wondering if anything will actually change this year for me.. monumental change. Though I doubt it as I've not done anything that will be of anything of significance. I've done some minor incremental changes.. though feel like I've not accomplished jack.. if anything I feel like I've regressed a bit towards the end of this year once again. Reminds me of school, and how I would perform back then.. do good for a bit then just flounder for the rest of the year. I still don't feel like I have any real passion I'd like to pursue. There this part of me that just doesn't want to do anything and it rather fucking annoying how much I listen to it. I get to a point where I just shut down despite efforts to not.
The fanciful ideas of being a lotto winner and it'll all be better. Knowing full well that that shit ain't gonna happen... Yet still waiting/hoping it will and knowing full well about the psychological aspects behind it. I think about doing a number of things to some sort of creative financial revenue stream but just shrug it off or procrastinate it to oblivion...
I have this uneasy feeling there's gonna be an emotional crash when I get back. One which I hope I can manage through and doesn't incapacitate me for a week or more. Worry for the kids.. for myself.. tick tock tick tock.. it's ever at the forefront these days. Mediocrity is a bitch.
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