Free Day

 It's wet and cold outside... more rain is expected later today.. I still have to go to the store and get some things. I skipped exercise this morning.. still feeling off a bit but trying to make sure I at least make somewhat of an effort. My go go go juice is wearing off at the moment... but I think it has to do with the following..

I'm actually coming to a "shit or get off the pot" moment.. projects.. the cart specifically.. If I can pull this off then I'm going forward.

I have a potential contract jobs in the works... I do and DO NOT want them.. this latest one for UC Keck would be a good one I think.. but will require car. 

So.. I giggled this morning just a bit ago. I was sort of complaining to myself that I need to get back on cataloging the comics when I popped open r/OP and saw that there was a new chapter out... work will have to wait. Which means new anime also... ooh shit my tea..

The Cure - Play For Today 1980 RARE Music Video

Morning exercise.. tying to at least. I felt something melancholy today and I think I found it. 

Lots o shit going on.. domicile situation in question.. feeling a bit run down and this on top of everything else that is going on is very unnerving at the moment.

 

I want to cry.. and cry.. but for what.. I mean I know there are benefits.. and I probably should have a good cry. This song however brings a flood of thoughts and tears to mind... 

 

mediocrity.. it stings.

uninteresting... bites.

 

Thinking of family and that shit..

 

 

point of no return

 The big issue I have with blind optimism...

It's blind and oblivious to history and human nature. There currently are voices saying we've reached to point of no return. As long as there is no dramatic shift away from the industrial practices currently continuing to produce fossil fuels and their derivative products the more health declines will grow as micro plastics have infiltrated the entire ecosystem of the planet. 

Slavery.. continues today.

So many more issues at hand..

Having an anxious moment I think... Stepping into the unknown.. and people with unknowable outcomes..

This is the issue that i know I had probably at some point...

 So I'm on my schizophrenia education tour...

and stumbled upon this...

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/schizotypal-personality-disorder#1

and a lot of that describes me, this is where I always question MY diagnoses over the years. My mental states have changed overtime and with new experiences and reflecting on them. I know the DSM has changed... so long.. so much time.

The reflecting phase.. coupled with trying to see beyond or commonly referred to as the BIG PICTURE is what I'm hoping for.

Shrimp curry... I may make it now.. hungry... or is it from anxiety.

What is easier... to tell your life in 5 minutes or your life in 1 hour?

x et al

 Family is very much on my thoughts.. kinda hard not to be there.. I hope things go well.. so I can actually help.

At the moment... Sort game plan is do well.. make cheap funky furniture.. make artsy expensive shit also.. 

Option to move to OC will happen if presented... Close to CM.. then I can work somewhere with better tools..

Plans.... Sorta.. mostly..

Subhumans

 Heard on KXLU... Minor insignificant moment.. but worthy of noting.

Zyklon B Movie.. I really love this station. And kspc..

SCATterBRAIN

 I have a haphazard schedule.. it's mostly routine but I still have a tremendous amount of time that I am not scheduled in. My mornings are fairly routine and depending on what day of the week it is, usually is open after 9:30. 

I've been slack productive? I have acquired things, to get into place to begin to act upon. I have some furniture that I will be making.. the initial ideas for some benches just popped in my head and I'm getting ready to get materials for the cart to be made. Most of the tools are in place, I may need a few here and there before the next big purchase... table saw? Drill press?

A workbench will need to be made that's for certain... 

More working on B' garage as well... make room for stuff.. work stuff. Wonder wonder... need to to do.. thinking thinking..

maybe things go well I get a place near Costa Mesa.. job option.. we'll see...

Bauhaus - Ziggy Stardust

Bauhaus - All We Ever Wanted Was Everything

Sandwich bars and barb wire... squash every week into a day...

you are a piece of shit and how to get over that

 I wager a good majority of the world has come to the idea at some point in their life they ask what is the point of this all? Why was I able to go from not being raised in a religious household to a fundamentalist evangelical to enlightened. That is having developed a sense that through education and experiences one can cultivate a elevated sense of yourself and the world around you that seems beyond foreign and alien by contemporary standards. In fact I'll spoiler it with saying there's "life imitating art scenario", with the move the Matrix being the perfect overall analogy to what the experience is. The ability to understand what drives you emotionally and biologically. Getting a drive for pursuing your aspirations and dreams, being more motivated overall. Understanding the we all have a voice to more or lesser degrees... I'm speaking to the more. Classical education, the ability to discern when something is bullshit vs pompous bombastic fascist regurgitated cro mag bullshit of divide and conquer.

 

Taking the "someday maybe when things are better" crowd, and making it a do now crowd. You'll only achieve if you want to attitude.. no one can do the work but you. If you are young... This will be your Everest.. developing the want. Time management in a fluid non committing but committing style. 

 

So much more to write...

 

the year we shifted into gear

 So this is the year I make it.. make things happen. I'm essentially at this bottom am I not. I've amassed hopefully enough of what needs to be done.

Meditation starts tomorrow.. I'll learn on the way... Which means more posts...

Document it all.. blog.. I may need to see about a GDrive/nas script for dumping GPhotos to the NAS or something...

starting now..

 So the idea is this... Do.

Do the woodworking..

Do the cooking...

Do all the skills I have.. and now. Don't wait.. Do. I will make mistakes and failure is the best teacher. For so long I have said I'll do this and I'll do that.. now it begins.

Project #1.. make cart for bike 🚲.

Research carts made.. Harbor freight tools options? Pawn shop.. local.. CL.

Got distracted by the weeb music on KEXP..

 

So bike cart.. btw need air in tires. 

2021

Wondering if anything will actually change this year for me.. monumental change. Though I doubt it as I've not done anything that will be of anything of significance. I've done some minor incremental changes.. though feel like I've not accomplished jack.. if anything I feel like I've regressed a bit towards the end of this year once again. Reminds me of school, and how I would perform back then.. do good for a bit then just flounder for the rest of the year. I still don't feel like I have any real passion I'd like to pursue. There this part of me that just doesn't want to do anything and it rather fucking annoying how much I listen to it. I get to a point where I just shut down despite efforts to not. 

 The fanciful ideas of being a lotto winner and it'll all be better. Knowing full well that that shit ain't gonna happen... Yet still waiting/hoping it will and knowing full well about the psychological aspects behind it. I think about doing a number of things to some sort of creative financial revenue stream but just shrug it off or procrastinate it to oblivion...

I have this uneasy feeling there's gonna be an emotional crash when I get back. One which I hope I can manage through and doesn't incapacitate me for a week or more. Worry for the kids.. for myself.. tick tock tick tock.. it's ever at the forefront these days. Mediocrity is a bitch.

exhausted

 So after almost 2 weeks I'm beat.. fucking exhausted. I'm glad I came.. I'm sad things are as they are. I'm fearful they will get profoundly worse and not better..

I want to say my peace... But for what reasons.. to hopefully give them all a nudge in the general direction of how they can figure it all out for themselves. I understand they have to this and look for themselves...  and they may not even want to.

gnawing

 I feel a gnawing weight on my shoulders..

A growing moment by moment... Drop by drop sensation in my being.. the impending feeling of despair that chews away like a beast that chews at the sinew of its prey.. the boils away the calmness within.. the gnawing pit within.. the way a dog gnaws on a bone in a relaxed manner, slowly making it cease to be..

The gnawing burning sensation that washes over my core.. growing with each breath. Thia exhausted feeling that I lumber around in, this exhausted expression that I continue to pretend in.

 The whitewashed facade of pretension and fraud... The mask of a pretender.

selfishness or selflessness

 I write again about me... And im perturbed about that. In fact I think I'm pretty much feeling this sense of sadness knowing the state of things with my kids.. most of them. One I don't have to worry too much about... The others however. 

The verge... On the verge again of tears. I'm also wondering how my decompress mode will be when I get back. I don't want to be in a anxiety induced depressive state like when I came back from Or... 

I have more changing and growing in store. I'm not content with the state of things with myself and that's the only thing I can deal with or change...