stress

 So something that's crossed my mind lately.. or a few things actually.

Had a fleeting suicidal thought, I'm guessing a toe dip in depression may be the cause.

Trying to change ones thought patterns is a bit o work and some days are worst than most.

Also the go with the flow... That was me seems to have disappeared. I can do it to a point... But I think I'm going to go cuckoo with the lack of schedule or plan.

Planning... It's become engrained in me.. mostly.

Feeling haphazardly out of sorts... conflict in thoughts and attitudes towards things..

Not wanting to define this one..

personal time

 I think that's what I'm wanting... The outdoor walking.. I feel better now back wise and would like to get some miles in..

But I'm still dwelling on the situation..

Move to Or??

It's not 100%

insanity

 I feel a bit melodramatic at the moment... The recent creaker incident seemed to have topped off a bunch of things for me at the moment.

Have been here in Beaverton since Sept 10th...

My anxiety moments have sprung up significantly since I've been here...  So I'm trying to process them and honestly I don't think I was prepared for this mentally. I'm finding my preconceptions are what's been triggered, the creaker incident being separate.

My comfort levels on a number of things are being challenged and having to adapt and process is putting a strain on the ability to overcome or process as an insignificant thing.

But this is something that I as a person feel I should work on. My in ability to function independently may be one of the big issues here. There have been a number of moments that I struggle with others even knowing the situation, patience is a skill to be developed.

Ok where did this wave of emotion come from.

The pain I feel so to do others... Ignorance is what separates others of the empathy that is needed. This includes me as well.

I know I jump to conclusions on things, leaning on my own ignorant knowledge of the world and my experiences. I know I have preconceptions about the world. I'm aware of my limitations and I work on getting rid of those... Most of the time, granted it my not be the most efficient or expeditiously. Which is also one of my things I'm always evaluating. Will I accomplish what I want at the pace I'm going?

I want to cry right now... 

Things internally, mentally, feel off.. gut feeling.. intuition.. anxiety?

I listened to myself to come up...mmmmmm.. not second guessing... Confirming. 

The fucking brain cocktail going on definitely makes me think... Neuroscience beotches.

I'm feeling out of control at the moment.. free fall again.. new routine? Vacation yet not... What is this? 

I have more to learn... Continuing my edumahcayshun.

Current status change... None.

Everyone is still breathing.. you are still powerless. Accept.. be like water.

Live your emotions... But don't be consumed by them. 

I still want to cry... So I will.

I guess I'm still in a relative good mood.. but I need to get out being cooped up all day is depressing as fuck.

Need outdoorsy shit...

xander

 So he left Ca the other day, headed to NC.

So I'm feeling weird when I think about this.. probably to stoned but I feel sick to my stomach about it.. that's anxiety and worry.

My anxiety.. my anxiety... 

Parents

 So sitting here waiting for the plane and I'm amazed at how parenting today. Then again why should I be, manage expectations.

I guess this is me processing this vs reacting.

That's something else on the needs to be evaluated. How to process things.. weed is still front and center of my mind of not wanting a crutch.. but I think this is something that ice dealt with. As long as the game plan is still unfolding.. which it is.

SuperDuper

 My hunger and anxiousness are a bit elevated.. super excited for the trip.. even during Covid.

Edit

Clammy hands..

PDX

 Been a few days since last post..

Started Instacart, and going to Portland now to visit Barbara. Going up to give her a hand, things have gone shite again for her. Cursed is what comes to mind, seriously her history is a mini series of books and film and song.

Want to exercise being in the moment. I see this trip as part of the adventure that I view life as, don't miss opportunities as they pop up.

So I have my return shuttle and bus money, but it seems they are all free at the moment.

I forgot my snacks.. I didn't eat this morning.. best laid plans..

Reading.. I need to read and reflect more..

My time is becoming... Hmmm I wanted to say filled.. but I'm wondering if that's the right way to view it? If I'm to be like water... I think there may be some gaps I need to look at.. also I'm becoming of the mind that reevaluating is in order... Progress expectations.

So hungry.. need water.

Questions about philosophy

until other reasons prevail...

 I'm currently of the mind...

Life is programmed, based on what current evidence I have. Evolution is a simulation, life is a simulation.

From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea

So this is probably one of the more difficult Cure songs for me to process right now... this one really cuts.



What's weird, is I'm testing the waters with this one. I'm able to recall the emotions for these songs all to well.. yeah yeah.. chemical reactions..



The pain is there.. but it's not lingering.

Eddie has me thinking...

This is interesting...

lemonade 🍋

 So today was plasma day. Didn't donate, apparently my sample from last week... Something happened. No communication. 

I got irritated, but not as bad as last time. So progress. It did put a damper on things... Til the mail showed up with my referral for my MRI. Which I got same day only to find out the Dr screwed up the order, so waiting.

It was a stressful drive here... And beneficial in assessing my behavior. Fuck..

I'm still off the rails in some things (a lot).

It's all going on the list... Reinvent.

My sexuality

Eyes are getting weird...

An idea

So many damn questions right now!!!

And BINGO was his name-o