I'm not sure if I stopped myself from doing something stupid or not...
I cancelled my exit plans... no flight to SFO... no early morning Uber to RDU... and I paid off that loan. hopefully... we'll see.
I think I had delusions of grandeur.... my impulsiveness seems to have subsided.... I'm not better.
I'm not where I want to be... sigh...
let's see... what happens now... back to the drawing board... the ironing board.. the same ol same ol...
I don't think I was looking forward to having to look out for myself... I don't think being homeless and the crazy idea of day labor/odd jobs couch surfing(?) was going to pan out... Did I just youtube scare myself straight?
I try not to go into things blindly... but I do have a tendency to underestimate things... or maybe romanticize things...
I don't think I'll be going back on meds anytime soon... I don't know if I want to... but then again I don't know if I can handle my mental state.
I sabotage things... I destroy relationships... I keep people away.. maybe because I know I do these things... I hate how I emulate the worst traits of my mother in this way.
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