This mortal coil

Death has been on the forefront as of late.. the death of my step sister in law due to cancer... The child of someone I know.. and a relative unknown tv star from DS9.

I was curious about a post I saw on Reddit about an actors research for a role for Silence of the Lambs... The Van Tool murders or Tool Box murders...

I've noticed my inclination towards the macabre is not what it once was.. I found myself turned off and saddened by those events. My perverted curiosity having been repulsed.

And I'd be remiss to not include Rick Ocasek..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQicIvb_9pc

The struggle

Depression is a self absorbing narcissistic destructive cycle.... I don't think of others.. well probably not how I perceive that one should.

I don't want to a burden to others.. but that's I feel that I am... a regret... my biggest regret being myself...

the fucked up things I've done... how I continue down this path of deluded schemes and ideas of nowhere... that end up with nothing... I don't feel that I have any skills... and I don't think I've amounted to anything... but that one of the worst things about living in a capitalist society... what can you produce.. what have you amounted to...

we are at the end of the road...  I'm at the end of the road.. I feel like it's been dead end after dead end.... jumping shark after shark with production quality being less and less with each succession... is my death the final end of a miserable series of unimportance and flimsy dialogue. Not even a deluxe blue ray enhanced edition...

I saved myself today?

I'm not sure if I stopped myself from doing something stupid or not...

I cancelled my exit plans... no flight to SFO... no early morning Uber to RDU... and I paid off that loan. hopefully... we'll see.

I think I had delusions of grandeur.... my impulsiveness seems to have subsided.... I'm not better.

I'm not where I want to be... sigh...

let's see... what happens now... back to the drawing board... the ironing board.. the same ol same ol...

I don't think I was looking forward to having to look out for myself... I don't think being homeless and the crazy idea of day labor/odd jobs couch surfing(?) was going to pan out... Did I just youtube scare myself straight?

I try not to go into things blindly... but I do have a tendency to underestimate things... or maybe romanticize things...

I don't think I'll be going back on meds anytime soon... I don't know if I want to... but then again I don't know if I can handle my mental state.

I sabotage things... I destroy relationships... I keep people away.. maybe because I know I do these things... I hate how I emulate the worst traits of my mother in this way.