Cannot not spend a moment in the past...

Youtube is dangerous... it's a rabbit hole of ending up somewhere familiar... the cul du sac of childhood memories... and teenage regrets...

The moments of happiness that generate the most joy...

I think...
About this joyless life I've lived or is just the past few years.. months...

What are the typical things in life that spark joy?

Please tell me this isn't that Asian lady joy spark person that I'm regurgitating.

I think I need to do something... Something.. good.

Beyond my control

Computers generally make things better... However when they are slow and unresponsive is the trigger of all triggers... For me.

Example

So... forgot to do a report yesterday.. trying to get it completed by a certain time... Only to have my PC not work at work. DNS errors to get to the site I need to... Not happening..  anxiety in overdrive.

Trying everything I can to get this working..

Fear... Fear takes drivers seat in anxiety...

Irritated

So why do parents have rights over their children, including after reaching adulthood?

What is it about producing a living being grants rights to the mother or father... or just mother or just father... or neither?

I understand just like most other offspring from mammals they raise them till a particular age before sending them on their way.

I understand there is a maternal and/or paternal drive to raise their children to a particular age. Why is there that drive.. I understand all beings have an innate drive to eat, reproduce, survive, etc...

where does this survival sense come from?

Is it the underlying chemical, gene, hormonal, etc that drives the brain? If the studies hold true and we continue to demonstrate that the brain reacts before you realize your thinking... (determinism)

then that means there is no, actual "could have done it a different way". Which if that's the case I hope there is some interconnected, multiverse where this is not reality.

Talk Talk

Seriously...

emotional over a song that while was from my era... was not on my radar...

While the title song of the band was.. this one wasn't..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQH1i_zZ-_M

Life's What You Make It 

I don't get it... I really haven't felt like this much of a basket case... in years... 

I want to curl up.. cry and die... 

Water Works $150

Another thing to add to the current state of things....

Things that make you go waahhh...


https://io9.gizmodo.com/to-boldly-stay-how-deep-space-nine-upended-star-trek-b-1823186821

I really don't know why.. but for some reason certain nostalgic things are really setting me off...

This being on the verge of tears crap is annoying..

I'm not liking this getting older crap... I'm not liking this life at all.. I don't like that I don't like being like this...

I don't like...

I don't like.. that I don't like...

Like... accept..side with.. condone...

...

how I feel about life and being depressed.. adhd.. etc.. etc.. etc..

I wonder how much of it is just in my head.. and if it is me.. then there's the whole philosophical aspect of "free will... compatibilism... etc.."

The desire to do something... instead of not wanting to exist.

Never ending scrolling

I'm writing this as I really think I need to...

how I've felt for the past week and overall the past 10 months...(guesstimate)

So earlier this week.. yep.. really bad on the suicide ideation... no real reason.. this makes it 2 episodes like this since this year...

Overall feeling....

I just want to die... I feel like my job is a sham on some aspects... I'm tired of working... I over think about work... about how I do my job... I reach out for more work when I can...

I just get these unrelenting thoughts about getting laid off or fired... but then again it's the career of a contractor... I'm mid 40's.. out of shape.. over weight.. my situation calls for me to be on meds.. I hate being on meds... I'm glad i'm on meds... or it would be worse... I hate having to medicate with cannabis to get some balance and respite from the never ending influx of thoughts that aren't productive. Anxiety... the levels of anxiety that I'm not used to...

I feel like I'm barely keeping it together on a daily basis... this week being really bad. Reading up on high functioning depression, etc...

I don't know what's worse... being in a daily situation where you accomplish the minimum that you feel comfortable with or where you can't function what so ever?

I have no desires to do anything in a hobby sort of way short of D&D... which is weird.. I feel obligated in some ways... but then again it's probably the only thing I enjoy... it has taken up a good portion of any and all time... even during work. Yeah for working at home... and having the job that lets me "work".

The farm idea.. any constructive thing that I may have wanted to do.. I've more or less stopped cooking..

Don't leave the house really... I have no desire to go out for the most part.. some times I do.. but overall.. I've been on the verge of crying more this past week... been a loooooong time, since feeling like this..

I hate it... I hate feeling like this.. this up down..up down.. and now it's just really down at the moment..