Music and why i stopped listening to my youth.

I'm sure I written about this somewhere else at some other time. At one point I had to stop listening to my songs of youth... for they are the albatross of my life... and at times I wonder if I should give up smoking.... wonder.

For music... it's an immediate rush... it is a straight main.

all those feelings of insecurity and angst and loneliness and more come flooding in if I'm not mindful.

even for bands that I don't care for so much... story of my life..

Warped pool fireworks mail

More bizarro dreams...

Warped tour band reminiscing at the poolside hospital lighting off fireworks that morphs into getting mail at the old house from Ken (cough cough), that morphs into new owners with a weird indoor pool. And not being able to locate car, but auto lock remote activates 4 different vehicles. And car accident that I witnessed.

Feeling weird lately... Depressed and no motivation...

The reality of my dreams turned into fantasy

So more weird dream shit...

I like how places get revisited from time to time, namely the boardwalk/fun park that is Incorporated into the beach. Complete with rides and a tunnel that gets you to an island in the distance.

But what's up with the non functioning car brakes and chilling in the barrio/carnival. Taking in the festival sites and rides, all too weird.

What dreams may come

Continuing the dream posts...

So apparently I had a part 2 or a remake or a "renvisioning" dream last night.

There's this shack by the beach that I had a dream about previously however the prior dream was about reading a story in which there was this magazine that did this story about how beach shacks are used to run drugs by coastal drug runners. Though they are targeted by the vice cops in stings.

So part 2 dream ends up with me chasing after a drug dealer for getting stiffed on some weed only to be caught up in some bizarre hyper narcotic sting only to be befriended by the cops in an uber emotional turnabout in the story...

With a cameo appearance of this wind sail contraption that at one moment your a standing operator, next minute your in this car component.

All in HB... And the old neighbor kid is the one busted for narcotics. Which is surreal, because he actually got busted for criminal activity most likely to procure heroine.

When I dream..

Crazy dreams last night...

Weird job in HB for a insurance Co?
Killing polar bears and running from them on cargo containers.

Malls...

End of life retrospective... And confronting the killer of my real love... Which apparently I had amnesia, and married another only to later remember what had happened.

Need to stop missing my med schedule or remember to pick up refill when it's ready.

Pride comes before autumn

For a long time I struggled with doubt. I still doubt though not on the crippling scale as I once did. It really has been a learning curve.

But the thing that I have been reveling in as of late is the pride of accomplishment or the pride of feeling like I know what I'm doing for once.

Though it is a mixed bag as I write this and my oldest boy is struggling with life much as I did. It gets better, but he doesn't know that. At least not now... I hope he does soon. I hope he comes some realization of where he is and what he needs to do to get better.

The emotional comfort of the past is a lie....

It's been awhile since I've written in here... not that I haven't had something to wrote.. or not felt like it. Honestly I've sort of forgot about it.. somewhat..

I've been busy.. busy moving on with my life... moving on with the things that matter and not dwelling on the things that don't.

Been listening to old music... and needless to say it really is like some rotten piece of meat.

As it brings back up old feelings that truly have no place for today.

I find myself looking back... looking back on what was.. and I really don't like the feeling it puts in my stomach... the sick feeling of yesterday.

I feel like I've progressed past this quite well and it really makes me a bit sick to my stomach.

as much as I want to wallow in it... wallow in the past and get all remember-y...

It feels like a unauthentic emotion... as there is an artificial catalyst... the pulling on the heart strings of yesteryear... the emotional depressive remembrance of glory days?

While I don't shy away from music per se, I do listen to different music or new music more or less. My tastes have changed... I have changed...

I don't like all of my past or a number of the things I've done in my past....  it is what it was.. and i'm no longer going to dwell on should of, would of, could of...

Heaven is hell if it was anything

As quoted from Matt Dillahunty...

That will be my book title...

Ad nauseum and other brain farts

More like nausea as I generally get a feeling of self bourgeois-ness. Actually that's probably not even the correct term.

The ideas of writing a book or documenting things seems a bit pretentious... That's the word.

Yet I read of others and their writings all the time. Self doubt plagues me as well.

Things seems to be going well.. and I can only hope they continue as such.

- 46 yr old me.. yet I'm leaning towards some sort of online site to spill thoughts..