26 later...

Finished all 26 Zatoichi films... that soundtrack song on the last movie was pure 80's cheese.

The Loner....


Update - 2019-06-03

Zatoichi still rocks..

part of having a blog is to use it...

I'm really bad at writing when i think i don't have to or should...

But I've come to realize it's these moments that I really need to document...

My anxiety is pretty bad at the moment.. I've come to realize this over the holiday weekend..

but I think i'm trying to ignore it...

I'm still on the fence about Pam and I....


or am I... or am I being melodramatic?? or am I being to apprehensive?

I have been thinking about the what if's five ways to Sunday...

I have to say that I'm not really a fan of the person I'm with... she's very boring... in so many ways...

and conversely she's awesome in a lot of ways...

I really am evaluating what is her issue... why does an emotion keep... fear... holy fucking shit you moron it's fear... how do I know this... (and a conflicting thought comes flying in)

great now I'm psychoanalyzing my mood at the moment...

I'm very emotional at times and in fact I have certain things that I know can and will get me to cry pretty much on command...

conversely I can logic the hell out of people in my life where I can cut off contact and not really give a rat's ass. This includes family members as well as close friends... then again... my quality of friends is decent at the moment...

I have become somewhat cynical with age... and I don't necessarily like it.

I have this (dis)ability to not care... but I have to say this really feels like the beginnings of an uprooting of cardiac proportions. I know I've had some bad stress issues this year already.

I know she has been stressed out... for no real good reason.

I know I don't deal well with other people who are in my boat...

I have a hard time when she is "broken"...

She doesn't deal well with change... abrupt change... she has over reacted on sooo many things the past month.

She's a ghost chaser and it's always around the corner...

I'm not scared of trying to live my life now I guess.. I don't think she is... we'll see how things turn up in NC....

The Last Huzzah?

So I'm sitting here at 42 wondering if this is my last opportunity or what....


Why is my life so attached to my past??? Older music... 80's Alt.. and more.. but certain songs really pull on the heart strings... and sadly some shit has just sold the fuck out... but I get it... sadly I get it.

we all have a price when push comes to shove...

We're moving to NC... I'm fucking excited... but I have this 125# tumor of what if... that's really killing the whole thing.

The first day of the rest of my life...

Watching a video were this singer on AGT goes straight to the live show and says that line....

For him I truly feel he is correct... and I'm completely in awe of this turn of events for him. I'm glad for him....

Then as soon as I finished that bit of news... I'm reading about how the TSA is beating the crap out of people.

and I have a kitty on my lap...

it's the Friday before the 4th of July....

7 til 10... it's fairly quiet....