Wednesday, July 30, 2025

Problems of disassociation?

Nothing matters

Apathy 

Just don't give a shit

 

Are these true and or correct?

Is my situation (here in Tx, lack of money, lack of prospects, lack of a lot of things... that I could probably go on for a bit... things that I could fix, but would I rather just not? Would I rather just complain? Would I rather do nothing and just bitch?

Or is it something else entirely? Am I missing something... which I very much think it is..

I'm tired at the moment.. mentally, physically, and emotionally... I feel off.. sinus issues, allergies are driving me up a wall at the moment...

being here in this fucking state which is a hell hole and a half. 

 

Wondering how my kid is doing knowing his shit show of a situation... his is truly a shit show.. 

 

 

Tuesday, July 29, 2025

Musically triggered

 Shiny Shiny

Genius of Love

Oingo Boingo mix

U2 Boy

 

What is it about the music of my youth that sends me down this path of melancholic nostalgia.

Songs that are not really in lists of anythings aside from being the glue to it all.

These peripheral bands.. music I heard again and again.. 

and now thinking of that damn Black Mirror episode that absolutely send me in a nostalgic tailspin of sadness. What is it about the past that does this to me? This longing for a time that I can NEVER recapture. That throws me off emotionally and mentally time and again. Granted it's no where as bad as it was in my late 30's, early 40's where I would avoid it completely. Songs of my youth that I avoided so as to not feel that way.

 

Sunday, July 27, 2025

Mugiwara

 I'm not cryin.. you are.

 

Damn that Punk Hazard arc... Kuma.. Bonney...

Friday, July 25, 2025

loool

Mushroom chocolate exp atm

Got up for another beer..
Was realizing why I like to do drugs.. it allows me to feel without fear..

Only to be confronted with the future chire if taking the trash out... Chores are the buzzkill. Loool

Thursday, July 24, 2025

numb

 Ozzy

Fuck HH

Chuck?

 

Yes this is cryptic but google current event deaths.

 

Ozzy was my childhood, HH is a racist irrespective of childhood connection, and Mangione is part of my background childhood soundtrack in my household.

 

There's this melancholic feeling of numbness about a time no longer here, but ever present.

The past filled with hopeful ignorance, naivety, and a beguiled innocence.

 

Single point of failure

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_point_of_failure

 

 

 

This has me really thinking at the moment about the current state of affairs.

The absolute shit show that humanity is. 

I personally think and feel that humanity is a failed experiment in the course of evolution and is nothing more than a cancerous parasite. Given the fact that the worst of us seems to dominate the current state of humanity since the dawn of humanity. Riddled throughout humanity's minimal time on this planet is nothing but one overwhelming example after another of their failed actions, especially with regards to humanity's numerous attempts to rectify the calamitous actions of humanity, only to be thwarted again by humanity. The Sisyphean concert of life via evolution' chaotic song. Where even those deemed to be stars are but a speck of dust.

I'm aware of my failings and more failures are to be discovered whilst I still breathe. I do believe that mutual cooperation is humanities best path, but that seems nigh impossible given that we have been ruled by the spectrum of the most depraved of humanity. I feel that science and history show this to be true given that the systems in place have always benefited a minority, sacrificing the majority, but theses seems to scream at the forces beyond our control does it not. The forces of nature, of chaos, of evolution, of our primal drives, and most especially of our own ignorance towards these things. I know I have limited skills towards anything of a single purpose. Let alone the minimal experience in the hobbies and passions that do drive me. I know enough to be dangerous vs helpful. I think my latest vehicular maintenance activities scream at that. Seriously I took for granted my abilities and my ego and hubris got the better of me, once again financially and emotionally.

This conflict of reality ever present that drives our anxiety, the escapes we as a species go to to avoid thinking of it at all. One' existence, this existential workout of either letting go or fighting to hold on to the illusions we are presented. All while being blind to what matters and what doesn't. Yet is that not also an illusion, this socially constructed reality of what matters and what doesn't?

Science presents the data, we have to interpret it, we have to give it meaning, but only if we determine what matters and why? You have to understand things that are more than, most likely never have been taught to us, or explained to us in a non bias manner.

 Though we all have a bias, it's only through analysis that we determine how it effects us.

This is where we have to have a spectrum way of thinking. How one thing effects another through the totality of reality via the forces of nature that govern us. What is reality? Who are we? What drives/motivates us to do what we do? What is the big picture?

 

 So what does this have to do with SPoF. Humanities greed will be our downfall, humanities cowardice is it's shame. Through ineptitude and inaction we've sold ourselves out to a minority for an illusion. An illusion of power and greed, via audacious ego trips both of the ethereal and historical moments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/if-you-say-science-is-right-youre-wrong/ 

Tuesday, July 22, 2025

weirdness

Weirdness w my head.. mild throbby wave sensation.. almost like it's struggling...

Friday, July 18, 2025

it complicated

 So I'm thinking about this quote..  you have to explain it so a 5 yr old can understand or something to that effect..

 

 

 

but I think this is erroneous....  because this seems to imply that there is enough knowledge for a 6yr old for them to be able to comprehend it.

Or am I wrong in this? How do I explain the science of the universe to a 6yr old?

Again i know my own failing are numerous as is my lack of education and knowledge. This is where I know I get stuck in my head... and what causes me to go out and look for answers outside of myself. That said there are a number of times in the recent past where I have read something and another or so and formed an opinion that was found in something later. Though i couldn't for the life of me tell you what anyone of those instances are at the moment. Though it does have to do with human behavior and psychology and biology and history and et al..

 

So I was thinking what would be needed to explain it away ... that is how would I group or classify the things that I would need to touch on for someone to have a sufficient template or list or syllabus to read and examine/experience for oneself to understand?

 

What human experience allows one to be able to see beyond the self? Which again i am conflicted as life to me seems as only an illusion. To which I ask myself how much of this opinion is based on "true reality" versus my subjective one.  True reality being the reality that exists for all though some or most or all may never be able to experience it due to the nature of reality and ones individual life experience inside of spacetime.

 

My 21st century experience is different from a 19th century of 4th century or 300th century bce experience.  

 The knowledge I have and what is current and available is only present here and now. The position that I occupy in spacetime is only here and know. Never again will humanity ever be in this part of the galaxy again. Again we are a moving trailer park in space. Ever expanding, ever moving.

 

So what aspects does one need to know and understand about this reality to allow one a sufficient set of tools for the mind to be able to navigate it?

Who What Where Why When How

Still in my brain since 6th grade.

Analyzing the subjective through the objective lens of reality.

I know I have failings, failings that seem to be consistent versus inconsistent. 

 

 

 

 

 

illusion

Feeling stuck in myself
The same shit repeating in on itself yet again
My constant inability to move from the past to be in the now 
Or to want to care
Always feeling like I'm making myself do things outside of my being
Though knowing that a balance must be made and never feeling like that is being accomplished 
The insanity of reality... 
Yet we normalize this hellscape of an experience 

To want to be more.. but morre what.. why do I always feel like I'm lying to myself..

But the lie is myself.. the lie of not doing