weirdly tired contently happy

 I want to be happy...

and I see that as a conscious choice in no small effort that I have to put forth.. that is, happiness is a destination, something that requires effort on my part to achieve. Granted things could be financially a thousand times better, but hey I'm making do and I have food and for the current situation a place to live..

I exercise.. I try to listen to my mental state... I know I have some things to take care of, but I don't push it to this point of go go go go go go... sure some times it's required but I don't think it has to happen all the time in a consistent manner as say working some corporate gig where there's a timeline of hell or high water to achieve... more or less...

those 4 miles today have made me a bit tired and I think the energy I had is now wearing off.. tomorrow.. cuz i tired..

 

 

last wed @ wenzdays

Vanessa

I think that was her from 3 wks ago... Saw her this past wed... Apparently she thought I was worth her attention... I didn't stop her.. enjoyed being nibbled on.. also she nailed a question out of the park.. I'm probably getting over excited... But she hit a lot of the visual ques... And a fairly big question out of the gate... Tho that astrology question should be a flag.. 

Would love a good og snogging sesh... Friends only at the moment.. she seemed a bit giddy at that.. on top of her looking for me throughout that night.. tho she disappeared at the end.. plus she was a bit drunk... 

lonely bastard

Blonde black

Once here, once there

Both now and then, here and when

In front again and not quite blind as before

The emptiness of me in spite of the shrink

The presence of mind flying away on another trip

The frequency of dyschordiant rhythms is now

Yet another recipe of the same?

so far

Holy shit.. 2 squares.. maybe 3 if u count enough crumbs but at least.5

I got maybe 45 min in straight dancing in tonight with no brace..ba few fumbles some questionable... But holy shit the question of questions..why do we do the things we do.. day in throughout ones life.. example..why do words mean what they mean.. why do we behave in the manner according to our emotions.. why does these sequence of events occur in the order that it does.. these why do we put traditions some absolutely it's part of reality at the moment... Disassociation to the totality of it all.. took 3 squares chocolate 🍫 🍄

Why do we respond to the frequency of these patterns of words we ineffectually use.. words.. because experience are empathetic... Chaos theory.... basic evolution biology college..

disassociation via mushrooms

What are the words that we speak.. why do we have these meanings to wards that they are.. why do these sonic amplitudes in specific pitch and frequency mean what they mean..

If we are but space particles experiencing these senselantions of a figment of our own imagination.. the tribulations and the trials.. the UPS and downs.. the looking and looking for meaning to this existence we are  so afraid of losing once we find thatbjoy and happiness... I mean that mach level touching the universe experience... Think counter to everything you hold true for the evidence is yet to be told in full... Question your existence.. why do we do these atrocities to one another.. for we are all one.. and to deny the evidence verified.. you are selling out your false absolute being true regardless of counter facts proving other.. life is to be experienced... Think in this.. if you look at just enough evidence.. read.. art.. culture.. study.. try.. fail.. fuck up.. fuck up.. FUCK UP.. again and again.. what is this existence.. why are we a part of this..  these never experience.. the disconnect in ignorance

.... We are all one.. in a fractal program of what is the meaning of our experience.. why do we use these phrases in this order in this pitch and time.. and frequency.. like particles.. like physics etc al..

We are a frightened species... 

like sand in the foreskin

Once again technology manages to distract me from what I wanted to write... I can't.. seriously.. (dRaMa)

This app keeps changing from my default blog to the other ones when I close it and reopen it.. never used to do that.. I'm soooo freaking irritated...

And it absolutely changes my thoughts.. but back to it..

these words

His words

Her words

Their words

My words

Your words

Our words

Some words 

All words

No words are the violence of silence

American Pie

 Why does this song, play on my thoughts and emotions?

There are a handful of songs like this.. gonna say We Didn't Start the Fire is another one...

What is it.. what is it that I love and dislike about these moments... is it because it's the past and some of those moments are only memories.. of those lost.. of a reality that isn't real...

real... these things that motivate us.. one way or another..  the events in our life that make us who we are today..

I'm back at a familiar spot in my life of looking for inspiration.. reevaluating.. yet again.. analyzing.. happy and sad at the same time.. 

What is this.. what is this moment that I like and dislike.. I'm motivated.. I'm happy and sad.. but motivated.. 

why do i emotionally connect to things (inspirational, difficult choices, confronting challenges, see naruto)... music especially but that's a secondary sort of baggage on that as well...

the gospel of naruto

Silliness 100000

word play

 they are not Prime Ministers.. they are Crime Ministers..

humans are cowards

Those who hold positions of power are some of the biggest cowards.

social construct

Side tracked from reading... Ch 2 on this book.. a passage that talks about to what degree we have interactions w others and some of the things we infer based on the individuals...

Intrusive thoughts come in about certain people we met or didn't meet once...

2 red heads... 1 was at Shore House Cafe.. late 90s... The other was at Oregon Zoo early-mid 2000s... Passing glance... At the zoo, but the other was sitting in the other booth...

Reds always catch my eye... Again M.