It's not just the tissues

 I just found myself talking to myself like I usually do and going what the fuck was I going to write about.. fucking squirrels...

I was thinking about my mortality.. and how do you explain to people reality. Or am I bullshitting myself here...

that is I do not think I will live as long as my father... why I don't smoke tobacco, I do smoke cannabis. I did stop smoking cigarettes awhile back, the last major episode was in NC when I had lost a job there and smoked 4 packs in 2 weeks then quit... Had one there after and am completely sworn off them for good.

and i found another squirrel here on the desk.. this blasted harmonica I found...

it was something to do with finding myself getting older.. not a clue as to what it is.. my back.. my knee.. my leg.. something.. farghafarhgfjl;asdfoiu12340i99i

any who...

i think I'm a bit peckish...

Words Fail Me

 The innocent ignorance

bequeathed at birth.

Finding ones path 

has been rutted.

Unable to move

Unable to breath

Unable to think

Wanting only to break free

from this rage cage.

Drowning in a sea

of my own faking.

Looking this gift

horse in the mouth.

I sigh this breath

resolving to change 

but here we are again, back to faking.

 

Words fail me

And my ignorance of everything

Cataloging my influences

 So I'm editing the bird movie I made.. the one that got me wanting to make weirdo art films..

and I was thinking about the creative things that have influenced me.. and now I'm wondering if there is a category that I can do to determine what types of themes/genres/etc I can quantify to extrapolate and valid data... or it would just be anecdotal and self serving??

For instance while I was sending the first edit draft to BB via email... I was writing a bit about what influenced me and how best to watch it.. which I mentioned that I had more to do editing wise and it would not be a final final... VSDC to learn and all that.. processing time is insane per edit.. 9hrs plus..

so yeah.. a bit of things to do.. in the mean time.. just more of the keeping sharp but not letting myself get burnt out.. I really hope I'm not bullshitting myself about this job situation and comforting myself beforehand.. that is cashing a check I think i have... when in reality I don't...

Hey Maverick!

anyway..

Now Is the time... - MLK and that song that samples it. and I'm gonna go insano in the braino bcuz I can't find the song in my head that is part of that context..

So I was thinking about my creative influences...

Especially what I was into... tv.. movies.. video games.. the stories behind them that got me interested in more than.. so i kept looking..  kept looking for what I was "in to"...

With video games it was RPG, fantasy, adventure, builder.

All those Epyx, EA, MicroProse, damn so many 80's shops that made games...

EA - Bards Tale 1,2,3 / Heart of Africa / Adventure Construction Set / The Video Game Maker/ Archon/ so many others...

SST - All the AD&D games.... every little piece of minutia I filled my head with. The mindless bullshit of entertainment... now.. I wouldn't be here now where I am writing this.

I sit here and look back the mountain of shit that my life is built around.... and having to clear away what I can takes time.. as what is my day to day focus shift and varies dependent upon said activities and or emotional states and or unforeseen events which are beyond my control. Be like water

So with that said I was wondering if ones interests push us to create idealistic realities.. and how do we cope when our ideas clash with reality.

I want to like in a house of fantasy... that is a house that if you stepped into you would think you had been transported to another reality... a reality based in fantasy and sci fi and steam punk and cyber punk and futuristic and modern victorian or some weird hybrid combination of past and present and future that varies from room to room..

I'm torn on the library to be honest.. Victorian Steampunk... but what if there's something else I like.

So yeah.. I want to create and I think I'm in that realm now that I have chilled the fuck out enough or so I hope I have that maybe I can actually create shit... I can taste it.. holy shit.. I feel like my objective is within reach.. and I'm not able to grasp due to a handful of issues... money. logistics.. location.. family..

I feel alive.. hopeful.. there are things I want to do and I know see them to be within reach...

So I want to do it all...

I will make things... furniture.. film.. art.. sounds.. action... being.. words.. food... sense.

wow...

 So I'm just posting because I realized it's been a few days...

Started to edit the movie.. fuck this is gonna take forever... I'm hopefully gonna have some fun with it.. i need to look at some other VFX options.. blender?

making movies

 So the one film inspired a whole rash if other ideas... Bought stuff to make more films.. we'll see how it goes...

And now i need to shoot at the beach... 

Need to make a portable shoot device/gear/shade cloth...

Getting more ideas... Michaels trip...