Status update...

 So I'm working towards getting a degree... or at least making the steps to have that happen. Currently I'm not doing a whole lot at this moment given the state of the world with Covid and China and Russians... which for the most part don't directly affect me aside from that everything is closed (metaphorically).

Waiting on financial aid info to hit Peirce.. call them on Mon.

Hurry up and wait.. 

Feeling weird... weird unfamiliar territory weird... 

A bit tired.. sorta had a smidge of a nap earlier on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are not my thing, felt tired and slept anyway.

Not feeling anxious... or am I..

Having this angsty notion about needing to do something... 

Social Art... woodworking... I'm wanting to start a new calendar of activities for 2021... things I need to get out.

Having to fight against this anti-social nature of mine.. this fuck humanity quirk that I have. The "it's all fucked, so why try" mentality has got to go... but why do I feel like it has to go.. why do I identify this as something that is needing to be replaced.

It's been a spell since I've felt any joy.. conversely it's been a while since I've felt despair either.. I don't have despair but it is like a thief in the shadows waiting to waylay my happiness. Waiting to empty me of anything worthwhile to dismember my sense of self and leave it for the vultures of apathy to pick over.

School... getting a degree that's my focus for 2021. Woodworking... that's my next thing also.

Bear

 I'm trying to see if I'm most excited to see Bear or everyone else...

Dealing with one's thoughts is a bit a of a bitch. The anti-thoughts that run through my head... these notions/ideas that run counter to beliefs. 

Surely one would miss their family more... but I have a ton of bullshit attached to that... I have zero attached to the dog. I sense the wellspring of emotion attempting to break through at the moment.

Words.. what are they for if no one listens - MP (paraphrase)

Politics

 I'm finding myself getting a bit frustrated as of late, as I continue to read and educate myself on the history of the world, the history of the US and beyond.

The news stories of today don't help, the corrupt system and powers that be continue to disgust me. I found myself today exasperated with humanity, exasperated with the corporatized slavery that overwhelms the world and any semblance of sanity is devoid even in those leftist enclaves that embrace a market economy.

Euthanize humanity I thought to myself... Again in exasperation, in frustration, in an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. 

The cowardice of humanity as a whole, the brutal corrupt societies that permeate this planet leave me throwing up my hands in disgust.

I'm failing to find anything redemptive whatsoever, as my mind is flooded with entertainment propaganda remnants that espouse the virtues of humans. It just screams this false mantra of "but look at the progress". This false... disingenuous participatory crapfest.

I hate that I don't have better words, let alone a grasp of English grammar and style that would convey something meaningful...

powerlessness... how do I move past this sense of powerlessness. 

Doug E. Fresh & Slick Rick - La Di Da Di (1985)

Mid 80's Crossroads... first time I heard this...

Chaka Khan-Ain't Nobody

Ok.. Now this is weird as fuck... getting emotional over this... it's so not on my radar of "songs that elicit an emotional response"... I mean it's definitely one of those "background" songs of my childhood.. I'd definitely say I more than likely heard this around my mom. She was into R&B/Jazz/Motown(? I'm guessing on that last one)...

fascinating

 Keeping tabs on my grey electric soup...

It's funny how my brain jumps to certain assumptions and I know some of the precursor reasons... The little incidents the lead up prior to others... And then blame..

Dealing with people...

So each incident I'm directly exposed to a person or people.. and each incident where I'm indirectly exposed...

Usually this involves others experiences that I'm exposed to.. I know I'm no better, but yet there goes my brain setting up road blocks.. mindfulness..

Its the only way I'm going get out of this shit... The shit being my own innate negative predisposition.. stop being an asshole.. I really have a hard time with people.. I don't have a lot of superficial bullshit to talk about outside my interests.. which most people avoid discussing.