Fade to Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye


Oh man... the late 80's... I was in Crossroads Hospital when I first heard Metallica. I love this song... I hate how it makes me feel though 30 years later... the emotional connection that this song and many many many other songs and what they do to me..

I've made it point to avoid nostalgia... for the sake I don't want to be a blubbering pile of flesh... 

I don't know why it makes me sad... is it the memories.. is it the difference between then and now??

Fuck I have Sister of Mercy in my head... Some Kind of Stranger... My dear I think your beautiful...

Am I avoiding my feelings.. am I avoiding something? Why does reflecting on the past make me feel this way?

Worst than cancer...

At least with cancer it ends one way or another.

Not wanting to be broken....

So today I start another attempt to get some directions.. decisions... dare say hope... about being able to not have these overwhelming feelings... these feelings that have crippled me for so long.

Anxiety about things (work, life, myself, others..)
Depression that leaves me not wanting to go on anymore.
The constant picking something up and not following through with it. Hobbies, jobs, etc..
No desire to do anything anymore...
I go through the motions out of obligations... work to pay bills, work to get out of debt,